MLB to Cancel Little League Classic Game Due to Disappointing Beer Sales

Williamsport, PA – According to Sports Media Watch, Sunday’s Cubs-Pirates Little League Classic averaged 1.76 million viewers on ESPN, an 8% increase in viewers over last year’s contest between the Mets and Phillies.

Despite the terrific ratings, Major League Baseball has decided to discontinue the Little League Classic after beer sales failed to meet projections. Vendor Brian Markman was nonplussed, “I basically lost money showing up tonight. This was a complete waste of my time.”

Food and Beverage Manager Linda Farmer’s efforts to spur sales—by adding a full compliment of child-friendly hard seltzers and offering a free Yankees vape pen with each beer—fell flat. “For years, we have relied on parents sharing several beverages with their kids at this event but it seems that sports specialization and so-called ‘nutritional programs’ have finally caught up with us.” lamented Farmer.

Some parents, content to leave the marquee event in the sixth inning, had mostly had it and just needed to get to bed. Others flexed, “How can you expect my son to become a first round draft pick if he figures out how great it is to share a beer with his dad at a ballgame?” pondered Frank Wensler, manager of the Munster, Indiana team.

Additionally, MLB also announced plans to start postseason games even later at night.

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